Life is good!

Hello !

It’s been months since you poured your heart out my dear .
How are you? How is your life?
…………………………..

Life is GOOD . Life is GREAT .
You were so right. Calling me Ma Durga. I believe I am .
It took me a while. To rise up from the ashes . To become my own self from the nothingness I had been made .
I cried , I pitied myself, toyed with the idea of doing away with myself. Thought of myself as having been reduced to nothing but insignificant dust .
It’s at such times that one realizes the importance of family and friends. They are always there for you . Totally supportive . Totally forgiving . Totally motivating . Totally loving you for what you are. A very far cry from the one who destroyed you and clapped from the side lines.
As you start to heal with the help of your dear ones, you realise that the maximum effort of rising from the dust is your own.
I listened to sage advice, heard millions of motivational talks,read books on the same. And slowly realised that what one thought was the world come crashing down was insignificant compared to what a lot of people suffer. After all what had I really gone through ? My love was thrown away by someone who didn’t really deserve it. So what? It doesn’t make me worthless. Rather, it’s the pathetic person who destroys your faith in another human being who deserves to be pitied for not valuing you.So rightly said by someone,”Instead of wiping away your tears,wipe away the person who made you cry !”
And that’s what I did .
I stopped painting those dark clouds and stormy seas. My canvas once again became bright and colourful.
I stopped listening to all the songs of hurt , rejection and sadness . Now my playlist is only of happy songs which make me dance and my heart soar.
I stopped crying and started singing with the wind .
Yes. It was after I really became Ma Durga as you called me.
I painted myself as Ma Durga with my spear piercing the heart of the demon who tried to destroy me.
I painted myself as Kali Ma with that once loved beheaded head in my hands.
No other being is ever going to make me go through this hell ever.Woe betide any person ever do that to me again.
I shall always look up to that wonderful but gruesome painting for strength!
…………………………………………

Well dear, as you seem completely healed and have taken your place back in this world I shall leave you on your own. Remember sweetie, I am always there for you.

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Rain

Zeus.
Indra.
Tlaloc.
Chaahk.
Jupiter.
And so many more…..
Have all decided together to wreck havoc with the lives of us mere mortals in Mumbai.
I have a feeling that they are taking turns to show off their powers. So it rains like crazy and then there is a small lull. They are probably exchanging places to get onto the throne to wield their power.
Thank God (which one ?)they haven’t unleashed it to their full potential.
We are stranded, wet, disorganized, but most of us are safe.

When are Ra
Surya
Helios
Sol Invictus
going to show their power?

What a game they play !

God is happy

It’s been a while dear. How are you ?

She replied …….

He came into my life as a storm .
Created havoc in my life.
Left me a wreck.

He came into my life as a tsunami.
Swept me away.
Left me in the deep depths of the ocean.

He came into my life as a tornado.
Swirled me high and hurled me back to earth far from my moorings.

He came into my life as a volcano .
Burnt me up to ash .
Left me as the dark dreary lava , devoid of life.

He came into my life as an avalanche.
Carried me in his path.
Left me buried under snow, stone cold dead.

He came into my life as an earthquake .
Toppled me from my very foundations.
Left me as just a heap of dust and debris .

He came into my life as a flood.
Destroyed me and left me as nothing.

He came into my life as a blizzard .
Blinded me , left me to pick up the pieces of my life.

He came into my life as a predator.
Hunted me , tormented me and left me a mass of mangled flesh.

God watched and clapped. Another god sent calamity . Another life destroyed .

Love Lost

To be read after the article on Love…..

How does one live life if the all searing Love is suddenly taken away ?

You were in Heaven. You were all dizzy headed , crazily , desperately, passionately ,deeply , longingly in Love . Your eyes were shining , the cheeks flushed and a permanent tingle in your body . You woke up to his calls , his love filled texts professing eternal love for you , till your dying day .
You had rosy pictures of the future , living with him , sleeping facing him in a tight embrace after a glorious togetherness where you both touched heaven and then could not yet stop kissing , hugging , holding each other ever so close.
You knew this was permanent . This sort of Love that one finds cannot reduce , cannot be lost .It’s once in many lifetimes.
You spent your entire day thinking about him, loving him every millisecond of the day . He was yours. He could never be anybody else’s. No one who has so much passion for you can ever stop loving you. You were so very happy . His love made you so comfortable , you could be just the way you wanted to be, he always looked at you with wonderous eyes . Enjoying every bit of your craziness . There were no restrictions. Only unlimited Love, happiness, togetherness, oneness.
You had your special songs{Ed Sheeran ,take a bow }, special words of endearment , the kind you had never imagined. So full of intimacy.
You were so well tuned together . Emotionally, intellectually , sexually . You were soulmates. Destined to live together this birth and many more.Everything was perfect . There were no negatives. You did your best to let each other have freedom when so desired and had decided to never try to change the other. Because you fell in love with this person just the he was and he was deeply in love with you for just the way you are . He promised you marriage , a wonderful, beautiful , happy life so full of togetherness . You saw pictures in front of your eyes of a wedding day , of your life together, your holidays and travels together ,your fun time together.

So ,Darling , how do you cope when all of a sudden this world comes crashing down ? You are devastated ! It’s as though the earth beneath your feet has disappeared ! You are reduced to just so much heap of dust . The tears are never going to dry up. You don’t want to live. Nothing in this world can ever be the same again. Nor will you ever find another soulmate.
So what happened to the once in a lifetime story ? Where did all the promises go ? Are men like that ? Can they be no other way ? You wonder whether it was you ! No, no, no. No,Sweetheart . It wasn’t you . Its Life. It moves on. Sometimes carries two people together. Often it leaves one behind .
For men, the soulmates are there only till they need them. Emotionally, or as a pillar of strength , or maybe to just while away the time. You gave your 200 percent Darling. You are the Awesome one. Not a guy who carries you to heaven and then drops you like a ton of bricks. He ,dear, is a coward. He has nothing called commitment in his lexicon. The lexicon of love was full of falsehoods. Commitment ..the word didn’t exist for him. There was not a more dastardly cowardly act than what he heaped on you.
But Ma Durga is made strong . You have your days of crying , despair, depression. Go through it all. It will be a catharsis. Exorcise all those demons of a deep sense of helplessness, unworthiness, ‘what went wrong’ thoughts. Think of the ways you would like to die, think of those who would suffer immensely at losing you . Do you think he cares ? Baby, he has moved on . He isn’t going to look back. He is not going to run back to be with you. So why should you think of giving up on life . He could not hold on to the wonderful gift God had bestowed on him. Let him go back to the sordid miserable life he had before he met you. You have always been awesome. And always will be. You are a Star ! Bright , shining and beautiful.
You shall rise like the phoenix ! You will conquer it all. The depression and despair.
Have faith in yourself . Look in the mirror everyday and say 10 times that you are the most Awesome woman in the world. You don’t need someone to be happy. You are Happiness personified. God , surely has something better planned for you. And if not! Well,. God is a man too. Utterly frivolous in his actions of playing with people’s lives and their emotions.
So Sweetheart ! Smile . Be Happy. Be strong. You will always be stronger than any man.
Men don’t deserve women.

Love …

Before I start writing this let me put up a disclaimer. I like to go into the world of make believe. My nonspecific posts are my imagination. Please do not apply this to my life, as was done after my post on Life. Got a few calls asking me why I was depressed and suggestions to bring me out of it. Folks, please do not do that. That’s why I haven’t written for so long.

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LOVE…… the most beautiful 4 letters clubbed together in the English language. Over  eons authors, poets ,playwrights and all of us have tried to describe it , define it .

Love……it grips your mind , your very soul. It is  a soul searing , mind blowing , body aching , desperate emotion. It’s a raging fire within you . It’s flames consume you to the very core of your existence. It burns you, devours you , and makes you have no other thought in your head except your lover’s . You don’t just love your lover. You love him/her crazily , desperately , long for your lover with an intensity you’ve never felt before, never known that you are capable of such extremely strong emotions .

A word , a sentence said in an ordinary normal way, but when you hear it from your love, it makes your heart do crazy somersaults, your heart dances the waltz , your skin tingles at the words, your body shivers and there is a hollow in your stomach which is so sweet and exciting!

You live your everyday life. But when you have such a passionate love , does your day pass like any other ? Definitely not. Your lover’s face is in your minds eye 24×7 , you desperately long to talk , to communicate , to be with your love. The world is unaware of your emotions. Unaware that while you are mouthing ordinary sentences , you are visualising in your thoughts those love filled eyes that look straight into your soul , that make you melt and be in such a happy wonderful place where no one exists but the two of you.

If only one did not have to live the day to day life ! How awesome it would be to spend the rest of your life in each others arms, lost to the world, no thought of anyone but you two. The true love in your eyes, the caring touch, the soft caress, the never ending kisses and love and oneness and togetherness , the passionate lovemaking which sends you  orbiting into the seventh heaven ! This is love. This what you live for ! This is what you die for !

A love like that happens only once in so many lifetimes. Or does it even ? Is a love like this possible ? Or is it the poet’s imagination ? Is love just a ploy , created by poets so that we try to find sparkle in our own mundane lives, desperately reaching out to others in order to find that all evasive love? Do we live for it and die without finding it ?

A Simple Liberating Act

I AM BACK !

After 8 yrs !

Yes…. I am happy today . I have got my personality back ! I have once again become what I like to be. What a difference  a HAIRCUT makes to one’s psyche. You read that right. A small step helps us to feel free , liberated , happy, young and excited .

I was growing my hair for the last 8 yrs. Started about 3 yrs before my son’s wedding. I wanted to tie up my hair in various styles for the wedding . Wanted to show off my earrings . Everyone said that the latest fashion was for women to have long hair.

I did cut my hair after the wedding . But never had the courage to really chop off my lovely tresses. it has been a slow process to gather the guts to do what I did today. Get a haircut…no,no …..a BOYCUT.

It has been one of the most liberating moments . I have always had short hair for most of my adult life. When I was strong , young and attractive. Today , I felt the same again. It was as though my personality had been subdued all these intervening years, and I got back my charm , flamboyance and joie de verve just with this simple action.

My Dad always loved me with a haircut.Not for him the hairdo . I feel I have made him happy too. Love you Dad.

My mom, my sis , all my close friends , all those who love me…..come give me a hug!

I am HAPPY !

Vaikunth Flower Show

I was in one of my lazy moods , scrolling Facebook , reading peoples’ personal posts on travel , friendships , dogs , how to make something in 5 min and all the various narcissistic photographs. ( Those always get more than 100 likes ).

Suddenly I perked up. There it was. Something after my own heart. A post on something I just love so. You all know that. Yes , right. It was a flower show. The Vaikunth flower show . With more than a million flowers , is what the ad said.

I had to go. I JUST HAD TO GO THERE. The next few days were spent in thinking about it, gathering my like minded friends together and adjusting a suitable time to go.

We were a happy excited trio who set out on the Saturday afternoon. So much laughter and chatting , getting caught in traffic, hankering for tea ! It was all part of the fun and set our moods just right.The arrangements by Piramal realties , the people who put up the show , were impeccable . We got our well deserved tea as soon as we reached.

But….what was this ? Even at the entrance the beauty and the color of the flowers was a sight to behold ! If this was just outside imagine what awaited us inside !

And , gosh , what was this quaint little train doing here ? Two small wooden trains were arranged to take people around for an initial glimpse and later one could browse around on foot. We stood in the queue for the train and had free popcorn ,cold drinks and candy floss. Haven’t had candy floss in years !

The flowers were beautifully arranged . The landscaping was marvellous ! Myriad colours , beautiful shades and hues all superbly arranged ,was a sight to behold ! Rows and rows of various flowers , conglomeration of them with just the right colours put together ! Should I appreciate this one or that ? Should I take panoramic pics or should I lovingly capture each of natures creations separately ! It was all so beautiful.Words fail me.

They also had attractions for those who are not so madly in love with flowers as the three of us.There was a wooden horse beautifully made. Various animal models covered with grass and otherwise. Monkeys hanging from trees , donkeys bearing fruit and what have you ! An elephant here and a camel there, models of the Rajabhai tower , Victoria terminus and all our heritage buildings which Mumbai is so proud of. There was a Japanese garden, a Spanish one ,a Brazilian one with Jesus the Redeemer blessing everything in sight. A Persian one , and a magical Banyan tree with orchids hanging from it. None of us could stop clicking pictures ! All the people around had happy faces , the children running to and fro in excitement. Only a glorious show of Nature can bring out the best in human nature.

Soon it was evening and dusk.And it all came alive. The place was lit like a magical Neverland ! The Banyan tree in particular was an enchanted magical fairy tale tree. If I could feel transported into a fairy tale world , I wonder what the children felt ! Another round of photographs was a must. Though this had more to do with human creation, albeit done beautifully . The natural colours of the flowers was changed into deeper hues with the lighting. Another added feature to the magic of the evening was a band playing songs in the background. After having taken our fill of all the beauty around us  , reluctantly we decided to leave.

But it wasn’t still over. There were snacks and cold drink, tea and icecream arranged for free for all the tired but happy people who had visited. And arranged in a lovely garden with colourful water fountains on display. Oh , and I forgot one more beautiful thing. On arrival we were so busy looking at the flowers that we didn’t look up at all. But while we were leaving we saw those huge chandeliers which were lighting up the entrance with white and lavender fairy lights. We just had to stop and take more pics. And ever so many mandatory selfies too .

It was a wonderful Saturday evening spent in the company of my dearest beloved friends ! I yearn for more…..

Happy Days

Do you want to know how I spent one whole evening a few days back ?

I went back in time. Not the sci fi one in which you travel many many centuries back in a time machine.  But the age old  road .  Down memory lane…. And what took me along this beautiful road , holding my heart, my hand ?  My albums ! My albums full of happy photographs , happy people , happy occasions .

It’s  not something today’s generation values . They have their photographs uploaded on Cloud , on pen drives and all things virtual . The pleasure of holding an old yellowing album , the slightly fading photographs , the old book fragrance ….it’s not for them. I  belong to the older generation and so find albums irreplaceable . The wait for the prints and the sorting out of the dates and arranging the photos sequentially was all so pleasurable . Every photograph fixed in the album was a gateway to the memories .  Times change and so do we. The last 4 years , I too haven’t got prints made for all the wonderful memories .

It is so wonderfully easy to see my son as a baby , see my father and mother as a young handsome couple , see all of us at all stages of life, in a matter of minutes. The photographs can be seen in seconds . All the way back to 70 yrs or more. There is no need for a computer , a hard drive  and the slideshow to begin looking at photographs.

And , can I hold the computer to my face and kiss the picture of my Dad who passed away 17 yrs back ?  No. Because there are none of his pictures on the laptop . But , I do hold his photograph close to my face and kiss his picture , and remember all his fatherly affection and I feel protected by his love for me . I caress his photo and yearn once more to be in his arms ,the way he held me when I myself was a little girl in a frock and pigtails.Can we hang the laptop on the wall to show us our dear departed ones ? But seeing my Dad looking down at me always gives me strength .

For the last 5 yrs , I have been meaning to make an album of my son’s wedding photographs. Yes, I am able to see those in the laptop whenever I want. But , now they have got transferred to the hard drive . Will I really make an effort to see them again ? Difficult it is for me to get down to it, considering I am from the net unsavvy generation. Will his children look at an old hard drive to see those pics? How much easier it is to see albums , put a finger on the pic and identify all the people ! Only by looking at all the past photographs will his children be able to identify all his relatives and friends. I think I must set a goal and get down to this very important task. Building memories….                                                                                                                                                        Building happy memories…..                                                                                                                        Creating everlasting visual emotional bonds…..                                                                                 Creating a continuity of generations …..                                                                                           Creating relationships …..                                                                                                                  Creating a past for the future generation !

 

 

 

Life

Life .

So monotonous  !

So humdrum !

The mind is numb. The vicious circle of thoughts  the same , day in and day out.

The physical activity a strain.

Is this depression ? Is this what the rest of one’s life going to be like ? What is the interest in living ?

One goes through all the outward appearances of happiness. A party here ,  an outing there. You laugh you guts out . You look after your appearance , one grooms oneself well. Look attractive , take momentary pleasure in compliments.

But deep down…….

Does one really ever experience happiness ? The pure joy of feeding your baby , holding him close to your heart , an extension of oneslf, the totally pure love in your eyes , the implicit trust and confidence in you which shines out of the baby’s eyes ,  the absolute pure innocent love with which the baby looks at you !

That happiness never comes back.

The empty nest is stark and decaying.

There is no inner joy ! Everything is for momentary pleasure. To prevent you from falling into a well of self pity , self loathing ,  self destruction.

Turning to God,

Turning to physical pleasure,

Turning to friends , hobbies , people….

All  to prevent oneself from going stark raving mad with loneliness and depression.

And the epitaph will still read..a life enjoyed and lived well !

The Expectant Father

He is going to have a Baby !

His wife is in labour, she is bearing all the pains , the pricks, the pressure , smiling , crying , screaming through the pain ! It’s a long wait . He has hours to sit and think. The last 9 months flash in front of his eyes like a film in  slow motion .

He had just come back from a tour. She snuggled up to him and told him about the missed period. He remembers her radiant face and his slow proud smile . She fell asleep soon after, but he couldn’t. How long he sat in a dreamy state with a glass of wine to celebrate this life changing event !

Then followed the visits to the obstetrician , the tests , the joy of seeing the baby during the ultrasound. He loved her voracious appetite, her blooming figure, the ballooning abdomen, and the baby kicking. He spoke to the baby often and could swear that the little thing responded to his touch. And finally the day arrived when he was going to hold close and embrace his beautiful creation ! It didn’t make an iota of difference whether the little one was a boy or a girl. The little baby was his , His , HIS !

He sat there dreaming even as his heart wrung out in anguish over what his loved one was going through . They took her in then, and after what seemed like hours , but really wasn’t , they brought out this little pink bundle of joy . He looked at the baby with wonderous eyes . This was his creation , this beautiful , wonderful , adorable angel , his baby , his life . They brought out his wife a little later…..tired , hair dishevelled , but her eyes sparkling , a thousand unspoken emotions in her eyes.

They held each other close , and marvelled at this creation of theirs , happy , fulfilled and content.

This is the happy scenario witnessed the world over by thousands of obstetricians the world over . The scene depicted in movies and indeed seen with many ‘ in love ‘ couples.

But let us look at another scenario.

The wife tells him that she has missed her period . He starts yelling at her……How could you do this ( as though he is not responsible for it one bit ) . Why can’ t you be more responsible ( Hello ?????).  If you are so keen to get a baby, you manage it all ( What’s going on dude ? ). You think I am going to pay for all the ensuing expenditure….ask your dad to foot it all ( Aren’t you the provider ?).

And  the expectant father doesn’t accompany her to the doctor , complains about the unpleasant symptoms and doesn’t forego his conjugal rights. The day she was unwell with some minor ailment, do you think he sympathised ? He took her to the gynaec but also made it a point to say that this was the wife’s fault….doesn’t she know enough that she has to avoid xyz things during the pregnancy and not fall sick. As though a viral infection is her fault ! And where was he when she went into labour ? He stayed at home and sent her off with her in laws.  He did go much later. And on being told that a beautiful girl was born , all he did was to sit with a sullen face . No love, no smile , no look of gratefulness for all the pain she had borne. Nothing for the newborn little one.

Another scene commonly seen in Indian hospitals…. the pregnant woman is accompanied by a host of relatives …in laws and her own parents  brothers sisters. The poor father is lost somewhere in this crowd. He can’t hold his wife’s hand, cannot give her courage, cannot sympathise and cannot look into her eyes. He is relegated outside as this his first and he doesn’t understand anything ! When the baby is brought out it’s his mother and her mother who get to hold the baby first.. Till someone remembers the poor father and the baby is given to him ! Poor guy. No wonder he feels left out in the first few months when every woman who has ever borne a child becomes the  adviser .

And then there is this other guy , who sees his wife in pain , a whole lot of it. How can she bear it so , she who is like a delicate flower  ! And then they seek him out for his consent to operate on her. For her safety and the baby’s . How brave and strong she is ! She with her soft skin and intolerance to the slightest pain ! Will she be able to handle it ?  But….what is this ? She is being wheeled out and she is smiling ! Oh what a relief ! Now he can be excited about his beautiful daughter !

And the most horrifying nightmare , once in a lifetime of an obstetrician , a scene which gets carved out in indelible ink, a never to be forgotten scene, the haunting faces of all involved , the sudden untreatable emergency ! Where  the expectant father is told the most unexpected news ……that he is never going to set eyes on the person he loved to see first thing in the morning ! There is no little one in whom he would have sought the person he loved and whom he could have hated for taking away his beloved .